


The Pain of Surviving

by Roman_Valkyrie



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Conflict, Earth-15, F/F, F/M, Lost love found, Violence, meta-human act
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-12
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-11 13:10:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15972983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roman_Valkyrie/pseuds/Roman_Valkyrie
Summary: Earth 15 wasn't always a dead planet, it was your Earth, your home. As a matter of fact, it wasn't very different from the Earth you find yourself on now. At least it was once upon a time, before hate, malice and corruption tainted every nook and shadowed every corner. This is your story.





	1. Sins

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this plot with an OC in my head for a bit. I'm not sure which is better received, first person or third person. I generally write in third person, but thought I'd try my hand at first. If the other is greater received let me know I can change POV for future chapters. My life has been beyond hectic lately, and as such, I've been out of the writing seen for a bit. When I say writing I really mean RPing, so to get the bug out of my system I'll introduce to you my first fanfic. Always open to constructive criticism and ideas on where you'd like to see the story go. I do have a plot in mind but if I get any better ideas or minor requests I'd be more than willing to implement them. 
> 
> I also have an obsession with music in relation to soundtracks, so I'll include the name of a song and artist for the chapter. So if anything maybe you'll find some good music to enjoy.
> 
> As always, I do not own any of the characters except for my own OC.
> 
> Thank you and I hope you enjoy.
> 
> My Sins by Unions

The sterile room made your skin crawl yet it was all too familiar. The atmosphere was tense as you compliantly sat in your suprisingly comfortable seat, well as comfortable as a dentist's office. The muzzles of four guns pointed in your direction didn't phase you, not anymore. Sometimes the thought of taking a bullet wouldn't dampen the damage you wanted to do to these fools. The cold rubber straps were wrapped around your wrists and ankles, securing them to the chair. A shaking hand approached slowly and cautiously toward the electronic collar fastened to your neck. 

"Better hurry, or soon we'll all be smelling your burnt flesh." Your words were barely audible, but might as well have been venom. The battery on the collar was near depleated and you could feel its hold on you slipping. You were returning back to who you've always been, and that was no slave. You probably should have kept your mouth shut, but the hatred was too much to keep contained. For too long were you used as a weapon, a killing machine, a slave in your own body.

The shaky hand nearly pissed his pants at the threatening words, and you found yourself smirking. It felt nice to do something of your own accord, but it was short lived as the collar was connected and the charge increasing. It was such an odd and unsettling feeling, your blood was rebelling against the collar's signals. The sensation made your skin crawl and the pain couldn't be described. You endure and wait to welcomed the gut punching feeling and massive flash migrane just moments before the microbots surrender to the signal, though the struggle has been getting longer and longer to endure. The body and bots were building a tolerance.

The sudden shrill of the alarm snapped your eyes open and you debated on getting your hopes up. The guns narrowed in on you as their commander vacated to investigate the disturbance. You couldn't be sure, but you could swear you witnessed a few nervous glances between those in the room. A low hum and the bright surgical lights cut to darkness, leaving way for the eerie red emergency lights. Okay, you can now get your hopes up.

The charge to the collar dies, and its just a matter of time, now its a waiting game. If whatever is happening can just hold out, then you can claim your free will again. Your eyes shut tightly as you concentrate on draining the battery with sheer will power alone. Heartbeat starts to pound in your chest from the anticipation and you know that can only help the power drain faster. 

The sounds of a brief scuffle outside the door cause you to peer through the dimly lit room. The door bursts open and a wind encircles you lighting the room with even more crackling light. Your military detail grunts around you, a stray bullet nicks your shoulder causing a yelp to escape from your throat. Everything was suddenly still, and your fingers twitch in defiance of the leash around your neck. The cause of the gust of wind stood behind your seat, and you suddenly realize what, or rather who, the culprit is.

"I'm ready, give it a go." The hero says, presumably to the voices whispering in his ear.

Shit, its The Flash. The micro bots start to come to in your body and you feel the electricity begin to hum just beneath your skin. He has every right to kill you, but you'll be damned if you go without a fight. 

There's a sudden unseen force that pushes you into your chair, like a strong gust of a force field that passes right through you. It forces you deeper into your seat and feel all strength leave you, like your switch was flipped to off. Your eyelids fight to stay open, but it was a losing battle and the quiet darkness overcomes you.

The light was so intrusive it was almost painful as it began to cut through the darkness of your unconsciousness. Even with the shade provided from your palms it was hard to make out the looming shadows as they addressed you, and worst of all, you still had on the collar, fully charged. What you could tell were the voices belonged to a female and two males, their tones a mixture of accusing and...hope? Given the things you've done, you can't really blame them for their defensive measures. Hell, its even a miracle you're alive. If it was you in their shoes, you'd be dead, very dead.

"You've been working with them from the beginning. Why?" The male voice with the slight vibration asked. He almost sound hurt by your actions. 

"For them." You corrected, tugging at your controlling collar, the purple hue emitted from it only helped to hinder your sight. Most annoying.

"What?" The same voice was annoyed with your lack of explanation. 

"For them." You repeated. "Your statement was broken. I fixed it. I worked for them, not with them. It's not like I had a choice in the matter." Your eyes darted around the darkness of the room, trying to make out anything close by that could aid in your escape. By the echo in the room you could tell it was quite empty, an abandoned warehouse? 

"I worked in the labs as an animal care technician. When the particle accelerator went boom I was cleaning cages. One of their test subjects was hosting microrobots with a singular AI. The dark matter explosion caused the AI and all the teeny tiny bots to transfer from one host to the other." Yes these were your captures, but it felt good to speak of your own volition. So you kept going. "It was only a matter of time the scientists discovered their prized project wasn't where they left it. They thought the bots shorted out but after a necropsy they discovered there was no technological debris. I tried to keep my head down, but we all know how that story ends. Spoiler alert, it ends with them discovering a frequency to control said AI and developing it into a...dun dun dun," Your hands gesture toward the collar like a sales lady on an infomercial. "collar. Complete with flashy lights and a life of servitude and slavery."   
'  
"All truth so far." One males voice mumbled, but due to your enhanced hearing you heard him just fine. "I wonder what the original host was."

"Cat." You answered matter of factly.

"She's like if Catwoman and the Bionic Man had a baby."

"I don't care what she is, I say we end her now. Save a lot of lives and avenge others, two birds one stone." The female voice sent chills down your spine, the words dripping with the same venom you spat at General Eisling every chance you got. It was a palpable hate, a hate you could relate to. There was a silence, a silence you sensed spoke volumes. "Fine, but yes, her bloodwork backs up her story."

"Its the truth. Listen, if you're going to kill me, fine, I get it. Hell, I'd kill me. I had to watch what they made me do, and there was nothing I could do about it. All I ask is that you let me die free of the collar. Let me die myself, free." It was obvious, you were fluent in sarcasm, but your request was anything but, it was heartfelt and pleading. It was drenched in sorrow and regret. 

"Take it off." The Flash's echoey voice was barely a whisper. 

The blinding lights turned off with a loud click, causing a different type of visual impairedness. You felt hands on your neck and the coldness of metal tools as your eyes tried to adjust to the new dimness. A few clicks and beeps and the collar was off. It felt so good to rub the skin on your neck, your head rolled on its shoulders with such a sigh of relief.

"Thank you." 

"We're not going to kill you." The disappointment from woman was almost audible. "But you have to agree to fight with us."

"Great, more fighting." Your eyes fell on the Hispanic with goggles who had taken off your collar. "Vibe. That makes her Killer Frost." A finger circled the air before landing on a pretty pissed off silver haired beauty, who silently scoffed in your direction. "And the one and only Flash."

"Don't act like the prospect of causing a little havoc doesn't intrigue you, Y/N." You could only respond with confused silence. How did you know your name, not even Eisling and his goons gave a crap about who you were. "I know you." The Flash stepped a little closer, unfolding his arms from his chest and pulling away the mask.

"Barry?"


	2. The Pain of Surviving: Sweet Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry's face triggers memories of the sparse but monumental relationship you shared before the world became what it is. (Fluff and background)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay. Had A LOT going on in my life all at once, but I'm excited to get this chapter done. As always I'm always up for suggestions, requests, and critiques. I admit, I did not proof read this, as it was too late and I wanted to get it posted before any more time passed. So I apologize again, this time for any typos or mistakes.  
> Soundtrack: Ride (feat. Icona Pop) by Lowell

"Get him!" The small voice of boy just a few years older than you snapped you from your personal brain storming session. Damnit, and you felt you were just about to strike gold on what to do. What to do and where to go to avoid going home. You're home was broken, your mother a drunken mess, but who could blame her. She spent her life sacraficing herself so you wouldn't have to take the beatings, and now that she's finally free...well now she just lives her life in fear. 

A boy, seemingly about your age, nearly knocks you over with his red back pack. You don't have to look behind you to hear the stampede of older boys in hot pursuit. "So sorry." He managed to blurt out between breaths, his feet desperately trying to keep up the pace.

Well, so much for thinking of your last adventures in Central City, one apparently just landed in your lap. Your mothers voice rang in your head: Don't bring attention to yourself. Don't be a hero. Keep your head down. And for God's sake, stay out of trouble. You tried living by those ethics, but it was boring at the least. And at the most? At the most it was painful, leaving you to your thoughts, to your fears, to feeling helpless. And as you watched that poor boy run you felt empowered.

"Hey! Leave him alone." Your small voice barely carried over the hustle and bustle of the city, but to you it felt like a roar. The band of bullies had already passed you by and pounced on their pray. "I said leave him alone!" You belted as you caught up, angered by the fists and legs raining down on the boy with the red back pack. 

"Aw, how cute. The nerd has a girlfriend to protect him." The onslaught paused to pass humiliating sneers at you, but you remained unphased.

"She's not my girlfriend." The boy coughed from the ground, either stuck on presenting all the facts or fearful such news would cause him to be bullied further. 

Now this was going to go one of three ways. Way one: They would ignore you and continue to beat on the boy, forcing you to act. Way two: They would laugh but not wanting more than they could chew would move on with a what they deemed a quick witted comment. Way three: They would just beat on the both of you. 

The wind leaving your lungs and the feeling as if your stomach was about to exit through your throat pretty much summed up which way it went. A simultaneous look of 'I'm sorry' and 'thank you' was shared by the two of you from the flats of your back, your world turned upside down, quite literally. It wasn't until you were able to grab onto a kick leg and sink your teeth in did the seize cease. 

"Next time, Allen." The leader grumbled while caressing his ankle. "You and your chihuahua girlfriend." You couldn't let him get the last word and there was only one thing left to say as you helped your new friend up from the rough sidewalk. You stuck your tongue out...viciously. 

"Thank you. You didn't have to do that." The boy tried to soothe his bruised areas, but they were too wide spread.

"I know." You did the same. 

"My name's Barry."

"My name's, Y/N"

You resolved to walk him home, because even after that debacle escaped of heroism, it was better than home. The rest of the walk was mostly in silence, with the occasional nerdy question from Barry.

"Do you like math?" He asked hopefully. 

"No." You answered matter of factly.

"Oh." The defeat in his voice evident. 

"How about science?" Again hopeful.

"Um..." The boy didn't give up on trying to find a connection between the two of you, more than a shared beating. You liked that he didn't give up, you liked that he didn't give up on you. "I like...science fiction!" You were quite proud of the compromise and with the smile on his face he was satisfied with the answer.

It wasn't long before you reached his home and of course he invited you inside. Still not wanting to go home, you obliged. His mother was beautiful, kind and had a warm smile that reached her eyes. Something you've never seen your mother wear. She fretted over her son and you equally and you welcomed the hospitality. For the moments you were with Barry and his mother, you pretended it was your home. The kindness extended to you made it so easy. 

It wasn't until Nora tried to clean a spot on your shirt did things go awry. She lifted it just a titch, but exposed the cigarrette shaped burns your father left you. The pause in her movement tipped you off and you panicked. Your small hands practically ripped the shirt from her grasp as you grabbed your back pack.

"Oh, look at the time. I have to go, my mom will be worried." You lied through your teeth, though very unconvincingly. 

"What about the comics?" Barry was startled by your sudden mission to leave.

"Next time, Barry. I promise." Another blatant lie, but you had to get out of there before questions were asked. And you could see the gears turning in Nora's head. The questions she doesn't know how to ask forming. "Thank you." Your words lingered, you meant them sincerely before bolting out the door. Your heart felt heavy with sadness as you walked home, your head trying to hold on to the memories and feeling of belonging to a real family. Of course, there was no next time for you and Barry. Or so you thought.

Years had passed and still, you clung to every detail you could from that day, the day you met that sweet boy. The day you felt you truly would have made a friend, if only you didn't run, if only you didn't move, if only. Instead, you collected your group of misfits, at least they were some semblance of friends. Actually, the only thing you had in common with them was your addiction to adrenaline. Your heart pumping so hard your hands shake involuntarily, the euphoria after the stunt was pulled, the thrill of being caught. It was like a dangerous form of gambling. 

After the beatdown you endured with Barry, you decided to learn how to defend yourself. When you weren't able to appeal to the better nature of a tutor, you watched from the windows outside, recorded what you could and practiced on your own. It wasn't very long before you had the moves to back up the mean attitude and mouth. Fortunately, you seldom needed to use it. Mostly it was used to put your fellow adrenaline junkies in their place. See, the thing with junkies is that one stunt just doesn't do it anymore, and they up the anti. Usually, it leads to someone getting hurt, innocent people, and that was something you refused to allow to happen. You were perfectly content with your choice of poison, thievery.

It was All Hallow's Eve, and the chill in the air was nipping at nape of your neck. You did your best to look inconspicuous, but the red and blue lights reflecting off the windows down the road made you nervous. You were sure you didn't set off any alarms, did someone see you? Your cold hands clutched at the jewelry and watches stuffed in the pockets of your hooded leather jacket. You were trying to make your way towards the city and found yourself on the skirts of College Town. The lights grew brighter, in attempt to avoid them you ducked round a corner. The amount of people grew denser and music could be heard from the not so far distance. Of course, a frat Halloween party, just what the doctor ordered. You effortlessly snatched the mask laying beside a couple playing tonsil hockey. It was the mask of a white rabbit, you shrugged before slipping it on and slipping into the party. 

The house wreaked of boos and boos and more boos. The smell actually made you a little nauseous, but you just needed to stick it out long enough for the cops to dissipate. The crowd was belligerent and you couldn't help but laugh at the clear stereotype that was being portrayed. You waved and pointed at people as if you knew them, half to blend in and half for entertainment. Most of these fools couldn't tell what was up and what was down and the other half just waived in attempt to not be rude. 

"Oh my God, Jas. Someone said they saw you making out Tony, but I knew it wasn't true!" A dark haired woman slapped her hand on her thigh in exclamation. You turned behind you to see who she was talking about but she laughed. "Ha, yea I know right?! Listen." Her hand grasped yours and she began to lead you through the crowd. "Remember that tutor I was talking about? Well I kind of told him I'd help him up his game, aaaaand I kinda volunteered you to talk to him." Shit, will this ought to be interesting. She waived to someone who called her name, Iris.

"Iris?" You tested.

"Yea yea I know, but he totally bailed me out of that calculus exam." Before you could respond you were thrusted toward this tall thin...holy shit.

"Barry!?" You exclaimed. It was like Christmas came early "Oh my God!" It wasn't often you felt the need to jump in place, but this was one of those moments. His confused look reminded you still had your mask on. 

"Uhm, Hi!" He tried to mock your enthusiasm though clueless as to why. His smile, though dampened by furrowed brows, seemed to make the world slow down around you. "Here. I got you a drink. But you don't have to drink it if you don't want to. I mean its not like I'm trying to get you drunk or anything." He added the last part defensively. "I mean, not that I would ever think to try that! It was a joke." Barry frantically tried to clean up what he thought was a mess.

He was still the nerdy sweet boy you met all those years ago, and just when you though you couldn't smile any harder. You opened your mouth to speak, but spotted a group of guys stationed not far behind Barry. They slapped each other in jest laughing and gesturing toward Barry. The smile slowly fell from your face as your eyes narrowed on them. The bunch of assholes were making fun of Barry, and you weren't having it. With a tilt of the head you raised your mask just enough to expose the bottom half of your face and brought your lips up to Barry's. He froze at first, his lips tight, but it was mere seconds before he slowly melted into your touch. Your lips gently parted his to deepen the kiss and his hands found their place on the small of your back. What started as a protective action, morphed into something else for you, it felt like home. The asshole bunch had silenced and shuffled away to find their next victim and reluctantly you pulled away. Barry was clearly at a loss for words, being the nerd with no game that he was. 

"You know me. Do you like math, Barry Allen?" You could see the gears turning in his mind just nearly finding the memory of you. It was there, but he lacked the confidence to say, what were the odds. "How about science?" You slipped the mask away from your face.

"Y/N?" Barry lit up, the smile reaching the hidden corners of his eyes. 

Just then the police barged through the door claiming a noise complaint, their presence sent the crowd into a panic as people began to run like cockroaches when the light was turned on. You grabbed Barry by the hand and weaved him through the crowd toward the backyard. Drunks were climbing the fence, while others just laid to their fate. A sharp turn led you to the garage, where you climbed through the window, leaving a scared Barry behind. 

A flip of the switch and you saw the second most beautiful thing you'd seen all night gleaming in the hard garage light, with the keys in the ignition. Violently you threw the garage door open before mounting the Ecosse Titanium Series Fe Ti XX motorcycle. You called to Barry before letting the engine purr, it was such a cliché term but by God, the thing hummed to life like a glowing purring growling metal unicorn. Barry stared, fear stealing his motion. 

"Barry, it'll be okay. Just trust me." You held out your hand and he stared at it unsurely. "Please." You urged and were so relieved to feel the warmth of his hand in yours before mounting the bike behind you. 

You steadily peeled off, leaving the chaos behind you and disappeared into the city lights. The rest of the night was like a dream. The two of ate at shitty diners, swung in silent playgrounds, divulged each other's dreams, beliefs and wishes. You even felt comfortable enough to recap the past years with each other, you more so than him. He didn't interrupt and you didn't feel judged or lesser of a person. He just stroked your hair as your head rested in his lap as you two hid from the cold in playground tunnels. Instead, he reminded you of your self worth, your strength, and your heroism. 

The sun began to rise, and though you wanted nothing more than to stay there, in that moment, you knew the truth. You wanted to be a better person around him, you wanted to take walks for coffee between classes with him, hell even college didn't seem like such an impossibility. But the truth was that you didn't have those luxuries, and you didn't want to bring him down in the process of bettering yourself. He had already gotten so far, you would only slow him down and hold him back. 

"Barry, this has been amazing-" Your voice broke the perfect silence, but you were cut off, as if he anticipated your next move. 

"Hey, don't do that. Don't disappear again." His fingers interlaced with yours and you did everything in your power to stop the tears that threatened to well in your eyes. 

"Well the universe seems to like us together it seems. So how about third time's a charm?"

"The probability is astro-" You placed a finger on his lips.

"No statistics, Barry, just faith. If the universe wants us to be together, it'll happen." His lips moved to make room for words, but were met by a kiss instead. A kiss that lingered showing how you wanted to remember the moment and at the same time you could feel him trying to drink you whole. 

You ripped yourself from him, forcing yourself to leave, convinced it was the best for him. You father always said you were a stain upon the earth, that everything you touched turned to dust. Even if the slightest part of it was true, you couldn't let Barry fall victim to that, to you.

"Bye, Barry."


End file.
